Stopping medication

Last Friday, our daughter decided to stop taking her medication. She doesn't feel they do anything for her and has said this over a number of months. Each time we have spoken to the psychiatrist, they increased the dosage, which she was happy to do I think more because we were desperately hopeful it would help, and because she does like to please us.

As with any increase of medication, you have to give it 4-6 weeks to take effect, so here we are many months later, dose increased to the max she can have. We did see more stable behaviour in May, but as we discussed with the psychiatrists at the time, we weren't sure if that was due to the final increase, or because she had left school. Recent events, behaviours and low mood, suggest the calm state was more due to the lack of school, which made things easier for her to manage.

So, last Friday, she decided she was going to stop taking her medication. I get she hates being on it, especially when she say's it's not helping. But I must confess there was a little panic in me saying NO! 

Selfishly from our prospective (her father and mine) we have seen a huge reduction in the amount of episodes she has, which has made a huge difference to our daily family life in a positive way. I have even been out with my sister and had a few drinks, knowing that my daughter is 'managing/coping' and we're not in crisis. My eldest son (who know she struggles) is less worried and has even started to joke around with her again - something that he hasn't been able to do as she either goes off at him or ends up in floods of tears.

However, she is 16 and as much as I wish it wasn't so, I cannot make her take anything she doesn't want to, and neither can the professional Doctors, psychiatrists etc that are involved in her life - and rightly so!

The Doctor she spoke to on Friday suggested she stay on them for another month, and also advised that coming off them gradually is far better than just stopping. But she has made her choice.

One part of me worries about this choice. I cling to the hope that if she continues to take her medication, or find one that works better for her, she will be able to carry on and we won't have to struggle with not knowing what to do or how to act all the time. I wouldn't feel like I can't go to work, out with friends, because when she messages with her equivalent of "I don't feel safe" I need to be able to get to her quickly.

The other part of me is slowly accepting that she is not well, that its a very complex condition and not easy to cure, more is it something that she can snap out of. This of course is made worse by the extremely long wait list with CAMHS. She has been with them for 18 months, has completed CBT and a group therapy.

Her perspective of these groups are that she does all of those strategies when she can, but most of the time she has a 'I don't have the energy, motivation or quite literally don't want to live, so what's the point' mindset.

On Monday night she self-harmed again. I found out on Wednesday when I saw the fresh cuts. She doesn't tell us anymore. It's easier for her to manage I think, that way she doesn't have to face the sadness/hurt and I guess her fear that we would be disappointed with her. The realisation of that last sentence is hard to face. I often reflect/torture myself with thoughts of 'what if I had done this differently, or reacted in a better way?' 

I'm sure there would be some difference to where we are now, but that doesn't necessarily mean a more positive outcome. The fact still remains that my baby girl is poorly and this nasty illness is crippling her, affecting her so much she can't do what typical 16 year olds do, which makes her not want to live even more.

I have emailed CAMHS to see what our next steps are. We are currently awaiting an ASC initial assessment to see if there are enough traits to seek a formal diagnosis, but as yet, we do not have an appointment for that, just the questions to think about.

I am hoping they will be able to offer her some counselling soon. We tried privately but our plan will only cover the initial consultation and one other session. We don't think it is a good idea to start and not be able to finish with a counsellor, so we are still waiting for one through CAMHS.

Anyway, that's us all up-to-date this week.

Thanks for stopping by

Jessica